Hilliams World

Christian or not…Unsure

John 1:1

In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and The Word was God.

When I first read this verse it gave me such chills and opened my eyes to so much more.

This meant that growing up when the elders told us to read the word, it was more than just reading a book. I knew the bible is important and all that, but, just the effects it has and how clearly it was stated when compared to Genesis 2:7 blew my mind…. Literally…. I spoke about it for days,

Genesis 2:7

7And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

If in the beginning was the word, that would mean it was the word of God (Holy Bible) of course coming from the breath of God. The same breath he gave to Adam, which then made him a living SOUL.

I don’t know, I am simply a regular girl who knows a little about God, yearning to know more but fails constantly. But this verse gives me confirmation that taking time out of my day to read the word is literally food for my soul….

Cliche… I know, but really, I feel better, stronger, calmer and just at peace when I take time out of my day to spend with Christ through his word. The problem is I just can’t seem to keep up with reading, I have a hard time making it a priority, it’s not that I don’t have time, I just read perfectly for some time then puff… I find everything else to do.. then I go through guilt and feeling unworthy to even seek his face, even my life overall feels like I’m in shambles, I get upset easier than I do when I read the word.. I am more anxious and definitely not as patient.

So Obviously I have bad habits, one of those is smoking marijuana for about 4 years now…. ( seriously?? don’t judge)… I have been praying to stop and I believe it’s gonna happen, but it is a struggle.

anyway I still smoke so I’m here… typing…

Ok.. so why did I say Christian or not…unsure?

Most of the time I feel unworthy to even call myself a Christian, mainly because I still sin so much. Smoking is my biggest struggle because I can’t just stop, then talking to God seems like a daunting task because I know I’ve disappointed him and again Jesus has stepped in on my behalf… I don’t expect to be perfect but I want to be sure..

Soo ye im just a regular old sinner, trying to make positive changes.

Entry 2: Birthplace

I was born in Jamaica and lived there until I was about 8 years old. By this time I had already started school, and made great friends. I lived with my father and grandmother in a small house in spanish town, Jamaica.

I was told I would be coming to Canada to attend my mothers wedding, then It suddenly became my home.

That’s about all I remember from memory

Since I came to Canada I have visited Jamaica 3 times. Once as a teen and twice as an adult.. My father was a stranger to me but I loved him because I finally had a dad I can hug and who loves me. I also have 1 brother and sister back home.. I love them both and always try to connect with them but it definitely is an obstacle for me for many reasons.

The main reason being, I am not able to see them as siblings when I’m home, they are strangers… why?? Because I don’t know them, the most time I’ve spent with them in my entire 32 years of life is only about 4 months at most. When I come home to my regular life, I’m the oldest of 6 and a mother of 4… separated and broken again…. It’s back to survival mode… Vacation is Over.

The first time I went back I was about 15 years old, by that time, I had no desire to speak to my father because I didn’t remember him, I would avoid talking to him because I didn’t know what to talk about and Frankly I was mad at him for lying and sending me away to this woman I didn’t know. So I surprised everyone… including myself, when I broke down crying the first time I saw him again, I have never felt that feeling before, it was like a firework show was going off inside my gut.. I was ecstatic to see him.

The second time I didn’t spend much time with him, and the third time I was stuck with him for about a month… this was immediately before covid got ridiculous.

Anyway, I will tell you more about that trip later because I want to stay in order so it’s easy to follow along.

Until Next Time

Mel

Entry 1: About Me

Hey, my name is Mel, I am a 32 yr old single mom with 4 gorgeous boys who literally keep me going daily. Each with their own personalities and sense of humor ( except fart jokes.. those are universal).

Jamaican born and Canadian raised, I migrated to Canada when I was eight years old. My life is kinda interesting ( At least I think so!😒) It’s also very crazy. I figured I might help someone out there by sharing my life through this blog…. So yep, I decided to share

To sum it all up, I am the oldest of 6 ( I basically raised my siblings, while my mother worked.) Also, very sheltered. I was a mom by 19, married by 22, separated by 24, and had 4 boys by 25… I am also lost about who I am ( I think it might be a form of identity crisis.. I don’t know🤷🏾‍♀️) and limited memory of my life due to traumatic events that took place. I also struggle to talk about my trauma because it was so deeply suppressed, it seems gone until something is triggered.

I find it difficult to accept love, and even more to give it… Basically, I am writing this as one of my paths to self discovery, and to encourage those who find my life relatable.. Sometimes it can feel lonely being in my position, so I want to meet others, and hopefully we can encourage each other.

I feel the need to highlight the term “single mom” as being used lightly, this is because, although my children’s dads are not present in their daily lives, nor do they contribute to their well being in any way; I still live with family so I do get help in some ways, more than a parent who is by his/herself struggling to get by.

Also, my ex- husband who fathered 3 of my children is also one of my good friends from elementary school….. I know!…(I told you it was strange).. Recently we began to video call on the phone and he speaks to the boys regularly, but he is in no position to assist with their upbringing ( more on that later). So those are my two reasons for using the term lightly, at times it feels unbearable for me… I can’t imagine how parents who are alone cope, so I respectfully use the term lightly when referencing myself.

Until next time,

Mel.